10:00 am. Greet other dogs by river. Sniff a few arses, try to shag a couple of bitches and get into fight with a spaniel. I got a scratch or two but you should’ve seen the other guy! Owner throws sticks into the river for me to retrieve. An Old Man reads book on bench by river. Each time I get out of river I shake off excess water. Old Man gets wet, picks up dripping book and moves off, muttering. Find some shoes on river bank. Maul and chew them a bit. People standing in river shout. Drop shoes in river. Run off. Starving again.

10:30 am. In park, Big Children play with football. I join in. They shout and chase me. I sink teeth in ball and puncture it. Run off.

11:00 am. Walk back through town. Owner buys Small Child ice cream. Owner leaves Small Child in pushchair, "Look after Amy, Barney"’, and goes into another shop. I knock ice cream from Small Child’s grip. Small Child screams. Owner runs out of shop and says, "Oh Amy, you silly billy, you’ve dropped it!". I eat ice cream. Small Child sobs herself to sleep.

11:30 am. Trail mud and river water through house and collapse on my cushion to sleep. Have lovely dream where I am Butcher’s pet and he leaves me 'home alone' in the shop.

12:30 pm. Wake to find Small Child eating. Again. Small Child offers me tiny portion of food between fingers. I take large portion of food she retains in other hand. Bacon sandwich - yum yum!

02:00 pm. Doorbell! Bark loudly. Bark answered by wee Sandy, my buddy! Hooray! Owner’s Friend arrives with my old pal Sandy and two more Small Children. Owner’s Friend smells interesting so I stick my snout in her crotch until she bats me away. "Barney! Where’s your manners?" asks Owner.

03:00 pm. We are in the garden, having fun. Sandy and I have a 'mad half-hour' chasing each other and barking loudly. In the process we manage to knock the Small Children to the ground several times. I push one onto the patio where it bangs its head and howls loudly. Sandy manages to pin one against the door frame until it screams in terror. I love this game! Owner and Owner’s Friend shout at us but we ignore them. Sandy does a dump on the lawn. In all the excitement, nobody notices.

03:30 pm. Next Door Neighbour appears at the fence in his dressing gown. "Can’t you keep those bloody animals quiet?" he fumes, "I’m on night shift this week." Quite right too. The Small Children are getting out of hand. "Sorry, we’ll shut them in the house," says Owner. An excellent idea!