03:40 pm. Sandy and I are in the kitchen, looking out of the patio doors. Everybody else is in the garden, having fun. The Small Children are riding trikes on the lawn.

03:45 pm. Owner has done a silly thing. She has left the cake she made for the Small Children out on the worktop. Sandy and I watch it, salivating.

03:50 pm. Boy, that was good! A whole chocolate cake between us. Yummy! Sandy gets so excited he tries to mount me. I snap at him, annoyed. I’m pretty easygoing but I’m not a poof! Sandy shrugs and says he was only 'having a laugh'. I settle down to wash my balls and bum. Sandy watches Owner rinsing dog shit off the trike wheels.

04:00 pm. Small Children run into kitchen screaming "Cake! Cake! Cake!" Sandy and I lick their faces in welcome. Owner follows saying, "Give me a minute and you’ll all get some lovely chocolate cake." Owner clocks pile of crumbs on worktop and floor. We’ve been rumbled. "Oh you bad dogs! Bad, bad, bad dogs!" she shouts. Small Children burst into tears of disappointment and rage.

04:30 pm. I have a go at shagging Owner’s Friend’s leg as she prepares to leave. Feels good.

05:45 pm. At last! Din dins! Smells like shite but wolf down my only meal of the day in 30 seconds flat. Sated, settle down for a kip.

08:30 pm. Lie on rug in living room, farting, until Owner leaves room in disgust. Must’ve been the chocolate cake. Too rich. Dream I’m chasing rabbits.

11:00 pm. Let into garden to pish. Knaw on hosepipe and puncture it. Find Sandy’s dump and eat it. Howl a bit. Search for Neighbour’s Cat but no sign. Tip dustbin over and spread contents on patio. Scratch paint off back door, whining to be let back in.

11:30 pm. Lick plates in dishwasher (left open). Flop onto cushion, exhausted. What a great day! Still bloody starving.