Diary of a Dog

by Patricia Ace


06:00 am. Need a pish so howl until Owner appears, bleary-eyed as usual. Another beautiful day! Bolt into garden and pish on Owner’s favourite shrub, fast-withering. Spot Neighbour’s Cat skulking under bushes and tear after it, barking loudly, just for the hell of it. Cat scarpers to boundary fence where it sits as if electrified, hissing. Mount fence and bark some more until it disappears.

06:30 am. Follow Owner back to bed and get in beside her. Owner too knackered to notice or protest.

07:30 am. Small Child appears and climbs into bed. Lick Small Child. Small Child giggles, wriggles, kicks and eventually screams. Slobber on Small Child’s face. Jump on Small Child and Owner until they get out of bed. I’m starving. Owner grumbles about ‘bloody dog hair on sheets’ as she strips bed.

08:00 am. Watch Owner and Small Child eat. Small Child eats at small table, watching cartoons. Small Child leaves bowl of milky mush unattended on table and plays with toys. Eat mush. Owner comes in and says, "Good girl, Amy, you’ve eaten up all your Weetabix!"

08:30 am. Doorbell! Run to door, barking loudly. Postman gives letters and package to Owner through gap in door as Owner restrains me by collar. Let me at ‘im! Continue to bark until Postman leaves territory.

09:00 am. Owner and Small Child are upstairs. Chew on Small Child’s toys. Eat crayons. Need a crap.

09:15 am. Find package on kitchen table and give it a bit of a chew. Package starts to disintegrate. Sink teeth into package and shake it. Dig out contents of package and rip it up. Desperate for a crap now.

09:30 am. Walkies! Ah, this is more like it! Accompany Owner and Small Child (in pushchair) to river. Stop at every wall and gatepost for a good sniff. Cock leg several times and spurt. Do a big dump on the pavement. Owner says, "Oh Barney, couldn’t you have waited?" Owner has forgotten to bring plastic bag so dump remains intact and steaming.

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