by Janet McKenzie

Winner of the 2005-06 PWG Poetry Competition


You really must go on a cruise,
Because travelling broadens the mind.
It’s by far the most civilised way
To have your mind broadened, you’ll find.

Your cabin’s a wee home from home!
You don’t have to sleep in strange places,
And after some day-trips ashore,
It’s grand to get back to kent faces.

For most of the people abroad
Are not really like you and me.
They’ve all sorts of queer foreign ways
And they can’t make a good cup of tea.

You should see how they market their food
Laid out in the open – al fresco
The veg all odd sizes and shapes!
They’d never pass muster at Tesco.

Did you notice my use of the French?
On shore-trips you pick up the lingo.
Half-day excursions are best –
You get back in time for the Bingo.

(I’d advise half-day trips as a rule,
If ever you go on a cruise.
If you don’t drink too much while ashore
You won’t have to visit their loos.)

On board there’s no strange foreign food
And you eat just as much as you’re able!
Remember to pack your best dress
For the Captain’s invite to his table.

Yes, it surely has broadened my mind.
There’s nothing to equal cruise ships...
What’s that? You can’t vouch for my mind
But it’s certainly broadened my hips?